Loveless
by yohdawn
Summary: Shizuru/Natsuki. Takes place after the Carnival. What happens when there's no one left to fight except the demons in your head and your sanity is slowly fading away?
1. Chapter 1

Am i the only one? Why is it only me?

When I see you, my thoughts go round in my head, my heartbeat gets faster, my stomach hurts... I presume, that you feel nothing- nor butterflies in your tummy, nor safety feeling in your mind, nor warmth in your heart, nothing.

When you see me, you feel like meeting a friend. I'm sorry, but I see you as a lover.  
The secret glances I send you, the hungry observation of your body I can't hide.  
Have you really never noticed them at all?

We live in our separate worlds, though we are connected trough a thing, that is called friendship.  
Without you here, my world would fade to black, it would disappear, it would be destroyed.

This depression that haunts me... I kinda like it, because it is the only thing, that is mine, that belongs to me.  
Yes, I know, you may think it's stupid, but the feeling to have you close to me is driving me insane.

You flirt with me innocently, but I try to catch your every word like it's my last breath. Sometimes I even think, that you can love me back...

Once you said to me, that you can save me. Why did you gave me hope? Wouldn't it be better, if my hope died with my feelings for you?

I can't stop thinking about you, you're my obsession. I admit it, but I can't admit my feelings to you.  
I know, you wouldn't send them back,so why should I bother?

Sometimes I don't want to talk to you. That's because I feel dirty,worthless. Why should someone like you communicate with someone like me? Sometimes, I want to crawl away from you as far as I can. And sometimes, sometimes I want to hurt myself as hard as I can, so that I could have a reason to hug you longer...

iIm sorry, that I'm taking advantage in this kind of moments, I know, that it's not good. But I already sold my soul for you.

When they look at you, observe you, love you, I just... I just want to die. To know,that someone besides me thinks about you, wants to hold you...

I sometimes talk about some guys, or flirt with them, I want you to be jealous. I am sorry for the person I became.  
It's so selfish of me - wanting you to be mine. My naive thoughts, self- destructive jealousy, enormous lust...

Overhelming desire.


	2. Chapter 2

One word. Love. Does it mean anything to you?  
When you ask me, am I in love, I don't know what to say- should I say that I am and try to make you jealous? But that could turn against me.

Cold night. I imagine you lying next to me, hugging me, breathing into my neck, your skin against mine. I wouldn't sleep, I would stare into your perfect body, soft, delicate features of your face, your long hair... Morning. Your kiss would dissipate my dreams.

Love is like a little bird: if you tighten it- it will die; if you loosen it- it will fly away. If you really love- release it. If it returns- it will be yours. If not- then it was never truly yours. But how can I release someone I have never had?

Am I a nuisance to you?  
But I would wither without your attention.  
You're a hero who appears to me to clear my view when I'm too crazy.  
Really, it's strange what desire will make foolish people do.

Don't you love how I break? Hang my head in shame, take your name in vain.  
Your name... When I hear it... It makes me dizzy. And I thought the feeligns changed, the words still sound the same.

Why love is so complicated? Shouldn't it be as simple as ever?

You said, you haven't slept with him. Who am I to reprehend you?  
But what if you did? WHat if you lied? What if I avenge? What if eye for an eye?  
Would you get mad then?

Once, I kissed you on the cheek. I was thanking you for a birthday gift.  
It's been awhile, but I can still remember just the way you taste...

You were gone away for some time. I died.


	3. Chapter 3

Once I reach the bottom, I can't fall any further.

I haven't talked to you for about a week. Are you ignoring me?  
But maybe it's my fault. Maybe it is me, who is ignoring you?

I'm just mad at myself. And sad. You still got the most beautiful face,  
it just makes me sad most of the time.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. I can't do anything normally.  
I only think about you. Am I crazy, obsessed?

You are angry. I am distracted and spaced- out.  
Today I slit my wrists. On the wall I wrote "Why don't you love me?" with blood.  
I fainted afterwards.

I took a razor. Tiny line on skin shows where the razor has been...

Should I change?

it'a 03:45 in the morning and we are still talking. You carefully raise your cup of tea.  
You gently take a sip of the drink. When I stare at your lips, I remember who I always wanted to be. Your tear. So I can be born in your eyes, caress your cheek and die on your lips.  
Night of no fears.

I'm just standing still, maybe these thoughts will vanish soon.  
How long will I be waiting for you? Though you don't have to commit to anything.

Unrequited love, unreciprocated feelings...

I don't want to live. It's not because you have done something wrong, it's because I want to do somethnig right.  
Life is a vice, why we are living? I want to end this right now so I won't be called a sinner.

When I see you, the way you look at me, feeling you so close and so far at the same time.  
If I told you how I feel, would you have listened anyway?

I will never be good enough, I will never be strong enough, I was never conceived in love,  
I will never rise above....

You cried. I wanted to die once more. Stupid.  
Pill overdose.  
Hospital.  
Coma...


	4. Chapter 4

Death kissed you faster than me.  
The razor kissed your body.  
Pills brushed against your lips.  
But they haven't taken you away from me...

I can't tell what I feel. I am unrecognisable to myself.  
So selfish of you. You flirt with suicide.

Can I save you? I'll try.  
Why did you broke your heart again? This time it won't heal fast.  
Hearts break, again and again, pieces of them crash into more shards and then it is hard to put all of the fragments back together. You change.  
That's how it is.

Happy ending?  
But it doesn't sound as true when you still wear his scent.  
He's got the kind of look that defies gravity.

He's just everything I'm not. They all are better than me.  
How have you ever noticed me? Why did you want to be friend of mine?  
You deserve better.

Tears.  
Why have you done this? What have you done to me?

Maybe I should stop seeeing you? Out of sight, out of mind?  
I want you to be happy. With me, happiness can't be achieved.

I realise that we always were two fortresses, collapsing.

Guys and guys but you're the one.  
You traded in your wings, for everything freedom brings.  
The letter,that you thought you wrote in vain, the times I chose to stand out in the rain.  
And wait for you.

I can't listen to the things you say.  
I always failed to see the little things in front of me.

Is this is how you felt? Loveless, helpless, sleepless, friendless, bondless?  
But we had a bond. Until you destroyed it.  
We have to start all over again.  
Can we fall in love all over again?

I still don't know how you feel? Do you hate me?

You woke up. After a week. You sat up and stared blankly at your hands.  
Where has your courage gone? You weren't even brave enough to look at me...

You make me miss you more than home. When you're gone, how can I even try to hold on?

I will never bother you. I will never promise to.


	5. Chapter 5

Is ignorance a bliss?  
I miss you more than words could ever say...

It's interesting, who started this little crazy game. I'm not going to lose.  
Of course, I see you everyday. it's difficult. You're my perfect rival.  
I want you to break first, I want you to crawl to me on your knees and tell me, that you missed me, that you needed me...

Our short greeting- "Hey"- and that's all. No questions, no small talk.  
I need you, But I won't admit it first. Not now.

After a while, I noticed, that it is me, who is breaking.  
I can be the one, who will crawl to you on my knees.  
I can confess, that I am weak, that I am hopeless.  
Would you like me then?

You said, that it is scary, that I self- injure. You said, that I need love, I need care.  
You said, that you have to help me. I told you then, that you don't have to do anything...

Maybe a month ago, I started to sleep peacefully. You joked, that that was because you slept with me in the same bed. Of course we haven't slept together. You said it to soothe me.

"My Muse" - that's how you named me.  
Have I really inspired you?

Love was never there. It was always friendship. Later I started to like you and then...  
Well, I'm too scared to say, that I love you, I'm to scared to admit it even to myself.

Is it too late?

It is very strange, because it's the first time I felt such a strong feeling for a ...girl.  
Is it normal? I can't tell anyone about this, because they will laugh, they won't understand.  
I need to suppress these feelings.

Destiny. Are we destined to be together?

When tey hurt you, they hurt me too.  
I need to stop thinking...

If I told you how I feel, would we still be friends?  
I know, that it'll be hard, because you would know about my feelings.

No. Not now.

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn t stop for anybody.  
Would my life stop for you?


	6. Chapter 6

I falter at the strength of your scream.  
But I keep walking...

They try to take the best of me.  
Bad dreams.  
I'm just getting hurt again.

Only drugs help me. You are a drug too.  
Drug- addict.

Razor, my friend... I don't feel physical pain, I have never failed to feel pain.  
I'm feeling crossed, I take it inside.  
I don't know, why everytime when we love, we scream inside but our lips are silent.  
I don't know why everytime when luck visits us we ask it's cost.  
I'm still going wait for you here when the storms will pass.

Where are you?

Do you think it's funny to play with my feelings? Is it some kind of attraction to you?  
You refuse to bend so I keep bending until I break.  
Cold nights. I don't feel you anymore..

Why does meaningless pain follow me everytime I run from you?  
I need to save myself before I drown, but I am free to die.  
It will heal, but it won't forget.

I bleed. I feel. I am alive. I am... Why you make me feel like no- one?  
You know what I'm thinking but do you need my reasons?

Forsaken me. In your eyes forsaken me, in your thoughts forsaken me, in your heart forsaken me.  
You've got to say it if you want to but you won't change me.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you... Why don't you miss me? Am I so insignificant to you?  
My friends all say they're worried. I have to look away.  
I pray that you might give me a call, I stare at the same old walls.

Without the mask where will you hide? I know who you are.  
You're ugly, ugly like me...

Unconscious. Your voice just disappears.  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. For you...

Who can decide what they dream? I believe in you.  
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.

The lie, living only so I can hide. Will I wake from this dream?  
Fix me, I'm broken.  
Abide in me and I vow to you.

One week of silence...


	7. Chapter 7

You fell first...

- Wtf?  
- What?  
- What happened?  
- I just got totally crazy and I degredated.  
- What did you do?  
- Alcohol, drugs.  
- That's harsh, why in the hell did you do that?  
- I don't know, I drank today before my classes, I came only to 4 lesson and I drank afterwards.  
Even in school I was drunk.  
- Isn't just depression enough? I don't know darling, it's cruel. I saw that you were acting strangely today. I don't understand, why do you kill yourself like that.  
- Because I'm screwed up. I don't care.  
- But you can't do that.  
- Peally? I can prove this.  
- What can you prove?  
- That nobody cares about me.  
- Ok, I won't say anything.  
- My depression and stupidity reached it's apogee.  
- I think you are doing this because you have nothing to do.  
- Nothing to do?  
- I'm mad that you harm yourself.  
- Yeah, be angry. It's simple.  
- I can't be angry.  
- So why are you mad at me?  
- Because you are smart and you do all these stupid things. Ok, I don't want to talk about it.  
- Oh yeah, whatever. Why can't someone tell me clearly that I am an idiot.  
- Because you aren't.  
- you don't have arguments for this.  
- I just won't argue.  
- Yeah, your best answer.  
- And what now? You want me to condemn you?  
- No, sorry. I'm just lost... Don't be angry.  
- I won't. But I just can't understand. If I will shout at you, you won't react.  
- And you're so sure.  
- Just stop this. Stop drinking. I don't like this. Ok, I will shout, maybe it will help.  
- Tomorrow I will get drunk because of sadness and despair.  
- I really want to kick your ass right now.  
- You won't dare to do that.  
- You don't know what I can do.  
- Ok, stop. We need a break. A week maybe. I need to supress my feelings and rethink my actions,  
you need to rest from me and my stupidity and my thoughts.  
- Why?  
- Because I started taking you for granted... You'll feel better without me...

Our dialog. My despair. Your madness.  
Another week without you.  
Can I take it?  
We just fell-out.

Despair, sadness, depression, drugs, alcohol - that's me.  
Maybe you will be concerned about me more? Or am I an empty place to you?

This is so stupid. I need you now more that ever but... We have separated. Is it right?  
But really, I started taking you for granted. And all these things you give away, sometimes I take for granted.

Idiot. My light is slowly fading.  
I need to bottle up all of this pain.  
My feelings are just stupid.

Don't bother, I'll be fine.  
Will I?


	8. Chapter 8

It was heartbreaking when I saw you...

Why when I make a single mistake, everyone keeps moralising me? Do they have the right?  
They don't know a fucking thing about me, they don't know me at all. But, do you know?

My sorrow is sinking in alcohol.  
I am ashamed to look at you.

One day you asked me, how am I doing, but I ignored that question.  
I promised myself not to talk to you.  
Cuts and bruises on my hands.  
Do they offend you?

Don't drown in the sea with tied up wings.  
I feel empty, I don't care about anything or anyone anymore.  
Is this my edge, my limit?  
Penance can't absolve my sin. I reject my life and sacrifice to you.

Yes they know that I'll hurt myself another time. Don't they know that I'm full of pain already?  
Liberate my mind. Liberate.

I'm not faithful to my feelings, I'm always running away.

I hurt myself again. Screw this.  
Your eyes... I want to drown in them, to be lost in this depth.  
I pray my dreams will leave me here.

It's the end of me. I don't care about anyone else but me.  
No, I do care. I want you to be happy.  
I've got nothing to prove. Isn't this enough?

Don't mean anything to you.  
I'm totally lost, I'm asking for help.  
I will sacrifice all I have in life to clear my conscience.  
Can't stand seeing you with them all.  
In love and lonely...

I think you're scared to know you're always on my mind.  
I lost my place.

I no longer want to know, what is love.  
If I told you, that I love someone else, would you experience the same pain?  
All efforts in vain.  
Why can't I not be sober? I just want to start this over.  
I will only complicate you.

All their insults and their curses make me feel like I'm not a person.  
They're so consumed in all their big dreams that people like me get in their way.  
From now on, my philosophy is, things are just as bad as they seem.  
It feels like fire inside my veins, burning right beneath wrist, begging for a razor's kiss.

You have really stolen my heart, but done nothing with it so far.  
Tears are just a gentle escape. Crying doesn't help.  
Just throw every fucking thing away.

It only hurts when I'm breathing, my heart only breaks when it's beating.  
Isn't it obvious that I don't know what I'm doing anymore?


	9. Chapter 9

Only few more days.  
Did I forget to take my meds?

Drink until you die...

- Hey, how's it going?  
- Hey. I don't know. Everything is strange. And you?  
- Haven't stopped drinking?  
- It is how it is.  
- Why?  
- I don't know.  
- Are you on drugs?  
- I... I... Don't know what to answer... Don't know what to say.  
- Just yes or no.  
- Why are you asking?  
- Because I care. Because you are failing and that's unforgivable.  
- But, you can't do anything.  
- You just don't want me to do.  
- Why shouldn't I want you to do something?  
- You know what? You're right, I shouldn't bother you. You don't need me, you don't care about me.  
- Nonsence. You... I tink about you all the time, I need you. I care about you more than anyone.  
- Me too. That's why I'm asking, that's why I am talking, that's why I am loking after you.  
I don't like, what you are doing, but you can trust me. We'll need to have talk after this.  
Stop drinking.  
- Yeah, of course, someday...

I am foolish and you are naive. But you do care.  
I open the window, let the rain pour in.

You are everything I want because you are everything I'm not.  
The more I see the less I know the more I'd like to let it go.  
I can sacrifice all my life. Is my word not fucking enough for you?

I'll stop drinking, I'll stop doing drugs. But not now. Not now.  
This is my salvation. I need this. I need to break away from this.  
Break away from what is real, never showing how I feel.  
Is this right?

Apathy, misery.  
Try to see a way around you. Try to take the path behind me.  
I've been through hell, shortcuts, I know them well.  
I need more time.  
Kingdom, where all our defenses are down.

Take so much from inside, it makes no sense.

Imagine me and you.


	10. Chapter 10

Beep... Beep... Beep...

- Hello?  
- Hey, how are you?  
- Hey, quite good.  
- Still drinking?  
- Well, yeah.  
- And? You are not gonna quit?  
- Not now.  
- Oh. What are you doing? Don't tell me, that nothing, because I will kick your ass.  
- Why?  
- Well, there are a lot of things you can do: reading, doing homework.  
- Yeah, right.  
- Don't be sarcastic. And attend your lessons.  
- Yeah, yeah.  
- Stop it. Your cynicism is worthless.  
- I am just stubborn.  
- You are not stubborn, you're stupid.  
- Thanks.  
- Because wise people do not make themselves degrade.  
- Oh, and wise people are so cool.  
- Yeah, yeah. Be ironic again. And you're sboer. Do not have anyone to drink with?  
- Don't start.  
- I won't, but I am too talking cynically.  
- Ok, it's stupid.  
- I don't think so.  
- But I do.  
- Our conversation. It isn't any good.  
- Because you're making it like that.  
- Ok, what's the point. We will again fall-out.  
- Drinking is fucking you up.  
- You're at it again.  
- Because I am right.

Contentious.  
It wasn't a good idea to answer that call.  
Why am I doing this to you?  
Am I craving for your attention, even for scolding?  
They smile artificially. Fake, faux smiles...

I'll be gone all day, I won't be back tonight.

You looked gorgeous and beautiful today. You always look like that. You're always pretty.  
You're so pretty the way you are.  
My insolence.  
You're locked in my head. Until we meet again.  
I promise I'll be better. Please, don't leave.  
You're my shelter.

When I wake up, will you be by my side?  
I have seen darker than ebony.  
Looking for someone comparing to you, but I can't eyes like yours.  
All I aspire.  
If you're close to me I'm holding on...

Will I feel good sober?


	11. Chapter 11

I just don't get this... What happened?

This guy comes into my life and crashes every single thought about men.  
He is a real gentleman, nice, funny, caring, he doesn't swear at anything.  
What is going on in that stupid head of mine?  
I kinda like him, but what about you?  
Can he make me forget about you? Are you jealous? Will you be?  
We will see...

Primary affection.  
Do you really like me?  
He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not.  
I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I'll be hurt first.  
What should I do?

Screwed up, fucked up.

Want to make you jealous, want to make you sad, want you to crave for me.

Your gentle hair, your tender arms wrapped around me, your lips repeating my name like a prayer. Your sparkling eyes full of love, your perfect body next to mine, your heart beating for me and for me only.  
I wake up... That was a nice dream. Can it be real someday?

His matted hair, strong arms, perfect manner, his lips repeating that he needs me, his eyes sparkling, his tender touches, his ears, that try to listen to my vague heartbeat.  
Reality. But for how long?

I wanted to die. I even wrote you a farewell lettter.  
But I changed my mind. I keep it in my drawer now. Should I burn it?

I want to kiss him, to make you jealous, but what will I do, if you won't be?  
You'll say "Oh, you have a boyfriend, good luck with him".;  
How my feelings will develop further?

Just don't let them throw me away.

I wonder how am I still here?  
I cannot be until you're resting here with me.  
All is fair in love and war.

Sinking farther than I was. Battled and torn.  
If you really love the love you say You ll love with a love Then surely that love would love Then surely that love would love to love you back.  
Really?

It hurts.  
Stop and wait, be yourself, love, pray, without her you're just a lonely hero in this place.  
Without her you're just a mirage.

What am I? Just flesh and bones, stupid feelings and mistakes.  
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow.

Sit and wait.


	12. Chapter 12

"Scream all you want, no- one's going to hear you, no- one's going to save you"

You don't hear me? Of course not, I'm screaming inside but my lips are shut.

What's the point? If anyone will hear me, who knows, would they believe in my bloody tears, dirty face and hurtful words.

Dead silence. But you hear me even when I am not talking...

I chose insanity.

Madness.

I want to tell you, how I feel, what I think, but words... I cannot speak them, I'm choking with tears and I don't know what to do.

Razor is my one and only Saviour... Isn't it? Can you help me?

You... You think it's funny to play with my feelings? Not by the rules of this game.

Love. It's a condition when we are going insane. Not funny, why are you laughing? My ridiculous and often childish feelings are amusing to you. You look at me, as I am a child that needs attention, as a kitten, that needs your care but you will need to give it back to the owner.

You need me to highlight your Godliness, to show you attention and love.

You, so precious, perfect, beautiful need me, strange, crazy and depressed to raise your level.

It's so nice, when you're a princess and others kiss the land that treaded your graceful steps and bend as low as they can until they break. I'm the one who thinks, that can get a crumb of your priceless attention. I am always the one, who runs the fastest, bends the lowest and waits the longest.

That is what love makes foolish people do.

Stupid. Failure. I never got, what I wanted, why should it be different this time?

I have fallen a lot of times and I still haven't learned. No, I realised, I understood, that it is hopeless, there is no point. How far will I stretch? Not far, I give up...

I'm sorry, sometimes I think like this... Sometimes, I don't know what to feel... Sometimes, I don't know what to think...

Often I feel that I am standing on a crossroad and I don't know where to turn. If I will climb very very high, would I be able to see my life's horizon?

I took a razor, slit my wrist and write on the wall "Why don't you love me?" .

I don't want you to feel liable for this. I don't want this.

You make me miss you more than home.

So I started to drown this in a huge amount of alcohol. I want to break away from what is real...

No- one else has eyes like yours. Deep, that can drive you into madness. Lovely, that can make you desperate. No- one else has eyes so deep, so expressive, so fantastically beatuiful but you.

I love you like a drop of rain that falls into the desert once in 500 years.

I love you like darkness that holds on to me until traitor dawn comes and tears you apart.

I love you like a cup of coffee when you drink it, you still feel warmth and pleasure in your stomach.

I love you like the wind, which can caress you carelessly and not be told- off.

I love you... It's strange to me, it's strange to you. I never felt this way before. I don't want his feeling to be gone. I will embrace you and try to never let you go. What's the meaning in living without you?

Sometimes, when I do not feel you near, I put twice as much sugar and I still do not feel the sweetness of it, I wrap up in a warm bed and I still feel cold without you...

Don't be afraid, my love is pure like vastness of cosmos. What will discover you in it?

When I dream something cute about you, I don't want to call my friends because they might wake me from this dream, I don't want to move because it might change my memory and I might forget all that's been.

I try to listen and catch every word that pronounce your smooth lips.

Sometimes I want to hurt you, so I could have a reason to hug you longer and not let go.

I want to feel your soft hands entwine around my body, I want to hear and count you every heartbeat.

I want to do nonsence just to see, if you care what I do to myself and how do I disrupt myself.

I fall on my knees before you...

Have I changed your world? Because you changed mine radically...


	13. Chapter 13

I need to get out of here. Fast.  
Where are you know? I need you so much.  
Shizuru... Where are you?

"When you love someone, you take a risk of breaking your heart" - that's true.  
I think that you can understand your feelings, when someone you love has gone away.  
No, not died. Just went for a trip or on a holiday.  
My eyes cracked open.  
At first, I thought about you every day, I needed to talk to you, I needed you so much.  
Later, thoughts about you visited me rarely, but I still remembered you.  
And now.  
Now, I just started hating you. Because you were never there. Shizuru, what have you done to me?  
You were never there when I cried on the floor just without any particular reason.  
You were never there when I got hurt and needed to lay in bed for a week.  
You were never there when I didn't know what to do.

I need you right now. Just don't act like I never told you.  
I said that I love you. But you didn't understand it. You thought that I love you only as a friend. Well, you're wrong.  
But now, I don't know what's wrong or right.  
Do I still love you?  
Question with no answer.

I never got to see life with different colors. Everything for me was black and white. Like my heart.  
Nothing was simple for me. I always had to try my best. But I got tired, so I gave up.  
Then I met you. You, Shizuru Fujino, showed me, that I can do something, that I'm not really that stupid.  
That with little effort I can do anything.  
But now I feel hopeless...

Your cellphone is turned off. You I cannot reach. I just don't feel you no more, but I hope that you feel me.  
I know that you flinched when I got in the middle of an endless field one day and screamed with all my lungs.  
I know that you felt it. Even being so many miles away.  
You felt the pain when I stabbed myself with the knife in the stomach, just to kill all those butterflies that were still there when I thought of you.  
And you really felt concerned when I drank until I lost my consciousness.  
You weren't there to tell me it was wrong for me to do. But one aspect of this was good.  
You weren't there to tell me to stop eating mayonnaise...

What will I do when you'll come back?  
One thing I'm sure about - nothing will ever be the same. For sure.

I'm doing nothing, just staring at the walls. It's not because you're not here, it's because I lost it.  
Kinda lost myself from all the struggles to be a good person.  
I guess, I'm not a good person after all.


	14. Chapter 14

If you would find a man... I really would jump off of a building.  
The 3 of us... No, we wouldn't live together, because darling, I don't like to share.  
Especially you. You're mine and you know it. And I'm yours.  
Yeah, it's not a very good thing to have an insane girl, who's totally obsessed and in love with you.  
I'm in love with you in the most purest, naivest way.

I still think that I'm a burden to you, even if you say otherwise.  
The only thing you still don't understand is that I love you more than anything, because you're my everything.  
You're everything I want, because you're everything I'm not.

Sometimes... My hands around your throat and I think I hate you.  
Sometimes... I need to break away from what's real.

You say you love me, but is that the same feeling I experience towards you?  
I'll keep repeating it 'till I break.  
But you wouldn't listen even if I told, who the fuck am I to say?  
Who am I to you? Another fan? Another mere less human? Another puppet?

Graceful puppet master.  
You know what I've done for you, I know the feeling of being in the bottom of emptiness, I know where that path goes.  
I don't want to walk down that path ever again. I know that I'll have to, cause insanity and craziness will take me there again.  
Will you be there too?

Deep, gorgeous eyes... What do they hide?  
Insecurity, awareness?  
Never mind the face you put on in front of me, never mind the pain you put me through.

Tell me, damn it ! I'm here. Please... Need me... Cause I don't have any purpose.  
Life's meaningless. It's empty. It's not for me. I live for you.  
I have my ways of coping with it. Although I know you don't approve.

Blood again. Dripping down. Razor? Yeah sure, what else.  
Clinical depression, suicidal thoughts, slit wrists, alcohol in my blood...

Kiss you? Yeah, and get a slap in the face. Thoughts of failure sinking in.  
A beautiful lie to believe in.

Empty, nameless, totally insane.  
Good points? None found.  
Lazy, stupid, absolutely crazy, absent-minded, unpredictable, clumsy, moody, depressed, sad, stubborn, not confident.  
Thing like confidence. Never had it, never will.

I want to send you all to hell. See you burning eternally in the flames of the other world.

Hypocrisy. I'm a damn hypocrite -smiling when I want to cry, but who cares?  
You? Can't feel it. It's mutual. You don't let it show.

I doubt all of it.

Want to hit my head against the wall. I want to make it bleed.  
Bleed forever, 'till there's no blood left in my body, no tears.  
Everything's gone a long time ago.

I'm a loser, and sooner or later you know I'll be dead.  
Welcome to my world. Do you feel alive? It's all a bad dream spinning in my lonely head.

Nothing left.  
The person like me never existed in the first place.  
I will disappear- I told you once and I'll say it again.  
I was almost there, just a moment away from becoming unclear. Ever get the feeling you're gone?

Maybe you're still not ready to talk about your feelings.  
I understand.  
I'll wait...

I need you right now, don't act like I never told you.  
You're in my veins.


	15. Chapter 15

I know a lot of time has passed but I'm back :D There was a very annoying person, who was telling me to continue with my story, so I really have to thank that person for getting back to work. Thank you Sam! From now on I will write points of view so it would be easier to understand this weird, weird story

Shizuru's POV:

I lay in my bed and accidentally my gaze rests upon my wrist. I remember… I remember a big hole that was there for a while. When I slit my wrists. That feeling was so strange. I remember staring at my wrists and not believing I just did it. For you, it was all for you, my dear Natsuki. I then looked into the mirror in front of me and kept repeating that I did it for you. I stared into my eye's pupil and when it started feeling surrealistic, I fell unconscious.

_I woke up in a pool of blood. Damn, my wrists. What the hell was I thinking? Now everyone will think that I'm a lunatic. Oh wait, I am. Damn this. It's not even funny. I want to drop dead. Another method maybe? Fill my pockets full of stones and go drown myself. Sounds kind of sad. Very, very sad. I find some bandages in the cabinet and wrap them around my wrists. God, that hurts so much. _

Was it really worth it? The pain? The one that I never forgot. When I see a sharp object near me I feel as if my wounds have opened and are burning. The price of being a sinner, now I have to pay forever. My head hurts. Where are you, Natsuki? Do you think of me now? I see you every day but somehow that isn't enough. I thought that with time my feelings would evaporate and disappear, at least, that they would grow weaker. But that never happened, did it? I never could have stopped myself from thinking about you. I never wanted to, it was and it is the only pleasure for me in this world. At least, the thing that is real. I know that I will never have you and it saddens me.

Still, I think that I… hate love. I hate these feelings, well, not that I really hate them, I hate that they are unreciprocated. Though you have softened a bit, you show sympathy towards me, you hang out with me, but you don't love me. And I would give up everything so that I could be loved by you… But what am I talking about; I should be grateful that you're even talking to me, being with me. Why am I so insatiable? Why is it always not enough for me? God, I hate myself so much. I trick everyone into being this calm and cool person with my mask, my façade, yet it always crumbles when I'm with you. I'm always so scared that you will hate me when you will see the real me, but I know that you have seen me with many masks. And you know that they're masks. I am a liar. I am a liar. I am a liar. It's an automatic systematic habit; I'm so good at it. How can you put up with me?

Even now… The one I'm thinking about is myself. I'm just a nuisance to everyone. I take my razor. You know, old habits never die.

And when the razor touches my skin, the blood flows, my mind is at ease. And I feel all better again.


	16. Chapter 16

Natsuki's POV:

I am drinking my 4th can of beer. Hmm, this beer's is very strong, I already feel dizzy… Wait, the hell, what am I doing? My consciousness decides to kick in at this very moment and I hear an answer in a form of scream in my head "Idiot, you're drinking because you really like her. And you have no idea what to do. And you're wasted. You're so scared, that you started ignoring her. You suck, you little rabbit hearted girl. Meh, shut the fuck up. No, you shut the fuck up". Why am I arguing with myself? And now, even aloud.

I feel so sad. It's like after all that has happened to us we just fell into this suicide, depression, alcohol and drug pit and we can't seem to get out. I've died so many times that I don't even remember the number. And you… you're dying every day. I can see it just by merely observing your beautiful face. The fire in your eyes is slowly fading away day by day. Why did this happen to us? Why did we become the masters of disasters? Like the rest wouldn't be enough. Your composure was already cracked by the beginning of the Carnival, by the end of if you have broken completely, shattered. "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken" – that's what you've always kept saying when I tried to soothe and comfort you. I always hugged you but you never let me to just hold you. You never ever wanted to be weak in front of me, with little energy you still pretended to be alright. Later I just watched as you picked up the shards of yourself and tried to put them back together. I just stood there. And did nothing. Damn it, why was I like that? So angry and insecure, still not letting you in, but by doing that I shut you off completely back then. You must have been so hurt. I hurt you so much. But I'm doing the same thing right now, exactly the same thing. Though the circumstances are different now, we are different now. Yet now... this is…an illusion of progress that we have made. Our little world of lies. Lies lies lies, we can tell that they're lies.

I need some space so that I can think about. I need space somewhere, though I am alone in my apartment, sitting on the couch in the living room. The balcony, this is the place. I go there and grab my last cigarette. As my lighter's fire touches the cigarette, a feeling like a bolt of electricity runs down my body and leaves me breathless. Yes, I remember these... They are the reminder of the bond that we share together. I don't know what you're doing but I can feel whatever you're feeling. And for now, the only thing that I know is that I feel sad. Sad, because I'm the one who's at fault. Damn, why am I such a terrible person, such a terrible friend?

I finish my cigarette and stand for a while with the remains of it, feeling hypnotized. Everything feels as if I'm a circus. So fake, creepy and weird. I shouldn't have bought that beer in the first place. Now I should… yeah, most probably I should do this.

The next moment I sink the burning cigarette into my palm. Yes, the salvation will come any minute. But as I've waited a minute, 5 minutes and 10 minutes, the pain never came.


	17. Chapter 17

I know that some of you asked me to put the POVS on my earlier chapters so it would be easier to follow and understand my story. The thing is, I think that the readers themselves have to do it Is this chapter more Shizuru's or Natsuki's? I left this space for the reader to use his/her own imagination, so it would be more fun to interact with the story.

Shizuru's POV:

I am standing on the edge of a skyscraper and I have no idea what I'm going to do. How did I get here, a taxi? What time is it – 3 AM, 4 AM? What day is it? Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving? I live in another dimension now. I feel like I'm out of this world. Lost. Am I? Wait, so how soon is now? "See I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone". It's weird that I randomly remembered this song. I feel tears in my eyes. Why, why can't I fight this war? I just give up all the time and become suicidal. Cycle after cycle, year after year, day after day. I became a person I've always tried my best to avoid. I hate people like this, like myself. I despised all weaknesses; however this is my primary trait. I am weak, I admit it. I'm a hypocrite though, a fucking hypocrite. Everyone accepted me as a strong person, there's no way back, they don't need a weaker version of me. They would walk away from me, I know it, they would leave me all alone. I would feel lonely. It's so ironic; I've always felt lonely no matter what. Of course, Natsuki, I don't feel lonely with you. Just sometimes, when were in this awkward state, when we close our hearts even to each other. But still…"I walk alone, I am alone, I think alone, I'll die alone, don't think I can make it on my own, I think I need someone to… SAVE ME!"

I start laughing, like a maniac, like a crazy person. Like I'm just walking around a town with my blood stained knife. This is the laugh I'm talking about. Totally and completely insane. I laugh but I know that there is this vast emptiness in my eyes. It feels so unnatural. I am a fake.

I feel desperate and troubled; there is this weird feeling in my stomach. What is wrong with me? "So many things…". Wait, was it…? "Yes, we're back". It happened once again. The seal has been broken, they're free now. The voices in my head are free again; they'll start haunting me again. Just so I would lose my mind. The never ending cycle, I only lied to myself when I thought that this would end easily. "You'll never be good enough, you'll never be strong enough, you were never conceived in love, you'll never rise above". No, not again, not again, stop it, stop it, I don't want this. "They never cared about you". Fuck you, that is not true! "They will never accept the real you, just forget it". But… "They won't, no matter how you will turn it, they will still be the same and you, you won't change either". Go away, let me be.

One step to salvation. Why am I so scared?

Because I won't get to see your face. I won't be able to hug you, to talk to you, to wipe your tears, to listen to all of your fears. I won't be able to say what you mean to me and that you're very important in my life. You are my world. Everything spins around you, Natsuki, you're the sun. I won't be able to tell you this… I won't be able to get rejected by you; I won't be able to feel those awkward situations, when I say too much and you just don't know what to say.

You won't be able to see me again, you won't have to listen to my silent weeping, you won't have to get me back to this world when I'd go out of my mind again. You won't be able to see these blood stained hands. You won't be able to see these eyes that secretly wander all around your body… Maybe, maybe it would be better this way? Maybe it will be better this way. Yes, I am right, everything will be better once I'm gone for real.

I close my eyes, inhale deeply and take a step forward.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you for all of your kind reviews :)

Natsuki's POV:

The sound of rain. I can hear it; I can hear the sound of raindrops smashing into the glass of my window. It's so loud… Rain is so annoying; I don't remember anything good that happened to me in the rain. That means that I have no happy memories of it. So sad… Enough of this, I always feel this weird melancholy embracing me whenever it's raining. I really am a child of summer. Shizuru, you're the child of winter. We are the opposites of each other. I am ice but I can be as fierce as fire at times. And you… so passionate but at certain moments can be as cold as ice. It is called balance I guess. The two perfectly fitting shards in this whole wreck. Was it always like this? Were we always meant for each other? Even when we didn't know each other, even when we still were kids? Were we meant to be when our gazes met for the first time in the Academy? In my opinion, the breaking point was the time when you told me that beautiful flowers should be loved… Something flicked in my head then. Was it realization?

I always felt as if you knew it from the start, as if I was the only one who had no idea. As if you were searching for me your whole life and when we finally met, you felt relief. Because it was me, it was me whom you were searching for, crying for, praying for. And once we met, everything went black. It was so extraordinary, but once we met - everything fell out of our hands. It felt like I was just a pawn that was thrown into this big and dangerous game called reality. Because everything before just felt like a surreal dream, like it was not real, like I was sleeping the whole time and you woke me up. We just went insane and spiraled down afterwards. Even now, we're still at the bottom because we are holding onto things that keep us here.

I sit in the corner of my apartment. I feel really tired although I haven't done anything today. The only thing I was doing was smoking. I still have a few cigarette packs left so I won't have to get out of the house to buy them. I can sit in here forever, in this corner, it's so comfortable here. I bury my head into my knees and start crying. Was it also destined that we would destroy ourselves like this? We just crashed, collided. I remember this feeling, I felt it before. My accident - when I rode my bike so fast that I couldn't control it anymore and crashed right into a wall. It's the same feeling. I start feeling pain, like I am crashing again, dying again. At that time, luck saved me but what will happen now? Why it has to be so difficult, why we just can't love each other? I guess that is not possible, both us have this self-destructive devices in our hearts. It would be impossible to tame it. But we could at least try… We never ever tried to stop this self-destructive behavior. Maybe it would work out. Maybe we would work out.

I should think about some positive things, I have to try and make good memories myself; no-one will ever do it for me. As I thought of that, I started smiling. I remembered you. The warmth of your hug, the burning sensation of your touch, the hotness of your tears. I know that they were true; the emotions you felt when you were with me. And even though you tried to avoid any physical contact with me, I know for sure that you were happy whenever you experienced it. It was scary sometimes, knowing what a mere hug can do to you. So I always tried my best to evade physical contact as well.

And I remember one more thing… The softness of your lips. When I went crazy, kissed you and we both died. That moment I will always remember no matter what, it never fades in my mind, it never gets dim. Just a soft brush of your lips against mine and we both understood how much it meant to us. Especially you. And although I put everything into that kiss, you always thought that it was out of pity. That's why you never believed that I could love you back. That's why the both of us ended up like this. And now we suffer for this.

My phone rang. I stood up and picked it up from my bed. When I heard the words that were slowly explaining me what happened, my heavy lighter fell out of my hands. And as it hit the floor, the remains of my poor heart shattered and my brain shut itself off.


	19. Chapter 19

People, if you're not logged in, I can't reply to your posts

Thank you everyone for reading this story of mine, never thought it would get this popular. I am really thankful and comments are really appreciated

Natsuki's POV:

I can't believe this. I can't believe what happened. Even though I'm sitting right here in this room, my brain doesn't want to accept this information. Why, Shizuru, why? I can't fucking understand you! One minute you tell me that we will try our hardest to survive in this rotten world and then the other you're jumping off of a skyscraper. This makes perfect sense. You think it's funny to play with people like this? I thought I'm going to get a heart attack or something when I heard the news. Have you thought about me? I guess not, you were only thinking how easy it would be. What have you done now…? When you will wake up, I will definitely fucking kill you, and if you die, I will revive you and kill you once again. I am so pissed off right now. My stare sends shivers to people and the temperature in this room is slightly lower than it should be. It seems to be darker in here too.

I don't know how much time I've already spent here, in this room, with you. But I got sick of it already. No, not you. But this hospital: creepy corridors, white walls and the smell that haunts you wherever you go. Just makes you want to puke. I hate hospitals, I hate doctors, I hate everything related to these kinds of things. I have no good memories of places like these. Wait, do I have any good memories at all? Yes, of course I have. I think that every moment spent with you is a good memory no matter how much it hurt at that time. But Shizuru, I really cherish them. Though I never told you…

Argh, I hate you. I can't understand all this mess in my head and probably I won't understand the mess in your head either. They said that it is a miracle you survived, but don't they always say that? I guess I lost my hope. I turn my head and gaze into your pale face; it looks as if you are smiling a little bit. God, this is so frustrating. Even now this façade of yours is pissing me off, I want to get up from this chair, come closer to your bed and slap the hell out of you. But I can't, I have to calm my nerves. I feel like this every day now. Anxiousness is driving me insane.

It's been 5 days already and there are absolutely no results or changes. I sit here all day long and only in the evenings I decide to go home. I quietly sit near you, staring through the window and watching how the world changes in minutes. And yet, I can't understand any of this. The more I try to understand what happened, the more I get confused and then I start feeling unsure of everything. Reality. Is this what they call it? You want to know how I feel? I feel as if everything in my world is in slow-motion and unrelated things go just as fast as they can. Like I am walking slowly but other people just run through me. And the moment I try to raise my head to look at whoever passed me, they swiftly bypass me once more so the only thing I can see is their backs. Yes, that's it. It's me against the world. The good old times, huh?

Seven days. A week has passed already? When I come into your hospital room, I go straight to the window. Today has to be the right day. I turn around and I look at you – you are sleeping peacefully. As always, no changes, nothing. My gaze shifts to the vase and the flowers I brought a couple of days ago. Your favorite flowers, though I never understood why you liked them. But now I do, there's something mystical about them, something that you can't understand. The lily of the valley.

In one quick motion I open the window. A nice forest out there, this hospital is in the suburbs so it's really peaceful here. I think that it's a suitable place for a hospital. I look down. Yeaaaah, it's clear that were on the 15th floor of this damn hospital. Not even stopping to think what I'm doing, I sit down on the window sill, closer to the edge so my feet are hanging outside of the window. Strange, is this how you felt? Nothing at all, I feel nothing at all. I should be scared of this height but I'm not. I feel indifferent. Is this how you really felt? Not giving a damn? I close my eyes for a moment and I hear these lyrics in my head:

"_So this is it, I say goodbye to this chapter of my ever-changing life_

_And these mistakes, the path is long and I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone_

_So when the day comes and the sun won't touch my face_

_Tell the ones who cared enough that I've finally left this place_

_That's been so cold, look at my face, all these stories it will tell I can't erase_

_The road is long, just one more song, a little something to remind you when I'm gone_

_When I'm gone_"

I have to do this. I have to be strong. I have to jump. I have to do this for the both of us…

Natsuki…?

The moment I heard your voice, everything went black.


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry guys, I was REALLY busy. Haven't written in a while, so please be kind to me. Hope you like this one

Shizuru's POV:

- Ok, let's do this "Don't ask, don't tell", - I proposed.

- What the fuck? Are you stupid or something? You really think I will agree with you on this one? What are you thinking? – She said and to me. In my quiet hospital room her words sounded as if a lot of gunshots were fired.

Damn, not only she is totally pissed off but it seems like she is on the verge on crying too. What have I done? Why did I say that? I close my eyes and it feels cold inside. I know that if it would be someone else I'd be talking to; closing my eyes would soothe me and I'd feel warm and calm inside. But it's Natsuki we're talking about and even when I closed my eyes, I felt her cold stare pierce my skin. I shiver. No, it's worse than that, I am shaking uncontrollably and I don't know why. Is it because of her glare? Or is it because I am so weak now at trying to pull off my facade? Now I get it, why she doesn't trust me in certain situations. I wake up already wearing a mask. And it's not ok, just not ok; even I don't know why I pretend all the time. I guess that pretending is the same as if closing my eyes, I feel better then. When I don't pretend, I feel naked and like I have nothing special to show people. Especially Natsuki. I don't know why I'm doing this to her, I just wanted her to be safe. I wanted her not to see the real me because I thought she would be scared and run away. Isn't this the main reason of pretending? Push and pull, I pushed her away and then pulled her closer and closer each time I pushed her away. I always blamed my pushing on her but it was really just me panicking. God, I am so disappointed in myself right now. I really am a bad person, I really am. I can't help myself and smile a bit sadly, feeling bittersweet at the realization.

- Fuck it, Shizuru, don't give me that. I don't need nor do I want to see another one of your facades, - Natsuki said angrily. – I need you to be absolutely honest with me. I need you to tell me how you feel; I need you to tell me how I feel because I am so lost that I don't understand anything anymore…

She just stood there, silently and it looked as if she would burst out crying at any moment. She then stared at the floor, her head down, her hair disheveled and I couldn't see her face anymore. Natsuki's knuckles were as pale as a sheet of paper, I heard her teeth grinding and I couldn't help but keep apologizing in my head. And then it was all over, or should I say, it was beginning. I clearly heard it, clearly, a drop crashing into a tile on the floor. Even though Natsuki was standing a few meters away from my bed, I heard the sound of her teardrop crashing into the tile of the floor like it would have been all over the speakers. This sound filled the whole room. And then, other teardrops followed. It sounded as if a rainstorm just started in my room. She sobbed quietly, you wouldn't even think that she's crying but her shaking shoulders betrayed her. She stood there for about a minute, sobbing and I felt lost, I didn't know what to do.

- Natsuki… Don't, please… Don't cry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry… - My voice was a bit hoarse for not speaking a while. I gulped and continued apologizing. – I'm really sorry… Please, come here…

I reached out my hand to her, I felt like in a moment I will start crying myself, I couldn't take this anymore. But I knew that I had to be strong, only one of us can be weak at a time and I know that it was unbearable for Natsuki, I understood how she felt really well. So many times I felt just like her, like all of my words were hitting a tall wall. She stopped clutching her fists that was a good sign. For a moment she just stood there like that, unsure of what to do and then she finally raised her head. I could still see tears running down her cheeks, crashing into the floor or running down her body. She was so beautiful right now, she's always beautiful but now her beauty is different of what people define "beautiful". Her face was slightly flushed from the crying, her hands pale, her shoulders shaking, her disheveled hair stuck to her forehead. Without a word she took a few steps forward and it seemed like she was in doubt of what to do next – stand right there or walk towards me. I was sitting in my hospital bed, reaching out for her, feeling cool wind on my back because it was bare. I really hate those weird hospital clothes where your back is left bare from your neck to your waste. I just never understood the purpose of this pajama. I noticed that my hand was shaking; moreover, I never stopped shaking from the start of my conversation with her, I guess I just haven't noticed. My train of thoughts was interrupted by footsteps getting louder and louder and as I looked up, I saw pain in Natsukis eyes though it quickly changed into something else entirely and I couldn't understand what she was feeling now. She slowly took my hand into hers and sat down on my bed. I instinctively wrapped my hands around her neck as I embraced her, she was still shaking badly. For a moment we sat like that, her hands clutching my sheets and my arms around her neck. Then I felt a sudden change of pressure in the room and warmth on my back as she wrapped her arms around my waist. I felt goose bumps when her warm hands touched my cool back and she put her head on my shoulder, facing my neck. My shoulder was instantly wet because of her tears and my neck was pierced by her breathing. We sat like this for about 10 minutes I guess, I don't really know, I don't feel time at all sometimes. She shifted in my arms and I straightened my face to look at her soft but puffy eyes. There were still tears welling in the corners of her eyes and as they dropped, I picked up my hand and cleared her tears off of her face with my thumb. It felt so natural, as if I've been doing this all of my life.

- Natsuki, I'm… I'm really sorry… I… Never wanted to hurt you, I swear, - I sad looking straight her in the eyes, trying to put everything I feel in my eyes so she would get the message. I even caressed her cheek. As I did that, I saw something in her eyes. But I couldn't figure out what it was, so once again I have closed my eyes. As I did, I felt strong arms embracing me tightly. I felt a pair of soft lips brushing against mine…


	21. Chapter 21

Sorry for not updating in a while. I hope you like this. Thank you for reading my story :)

Shizuru's POV:

I don't understand anything that is going on now. Especially you. Natsuki, I honestly can't understand you – one moment you're pissed off and it looks like you want to beat the crap out of me and the other you're kissing me like your life depends on it. I know that it's my fault really, I drove you over the edge and I'm sorry. Wait, what, the hell, hold on, we're kissing? We are kissing? You and me? While my poor brain tries to sort out the information it was given, I start to acknowledge the pressure and softness of something on my lips. A kiss, your soft lips on mine. This was all I ever wanted, this was all I ever dreamed of but why do I feel so bad at this very moment? A wave of guilt washes over me and I close my eyes once again to run away from it. At this moment, right now, I guess we both broke. I felt something in Natsuki and she felt something in me, something that was bringing uncertainty in both of us, something that was causing this uneasiness in me and her. Natsuki broke our kiss and it felt so sudden, not feeling her soft lips against mine that my eyes flew wide open. She searched my eyes for answers, questioning me, begging me, torturing me. One word escaped my mouth and it was "sorry". A plain old "sorry". She stood up, her lips curved into a sad smiled and she just walked away through my hospital room's door. Just like that, with no word whatsoever, not even looking back. I just turned my head and I stared into a thing that could have taken my love away from me – the window. I feel so melancholic right now, I remember staring through the window, always trying to imagine where my Natsuki was and what she was doing and now, the main thing of my fantasies has nearly taken her away from me. Karma is such a bitch. And why this? Did she think she would get closer to my soul if she jumped, just like me a while ago?

Natsuki's sad smile reminded me of a thing that I was looking forward to – keeping my promise because "sorry", it wasn't something I just said, it was a promise, I promised Natsuki to explain everything. It was a promise to be honest and true to myself and her. I owe her at least this, this one time I have to just be me. I'm not ready for this, she's not ready for this, I feel it with my heart. But maybe we'll never be, maybe we will never be ready to love. Love comes in just like that and you never know when. Now I just feel sad. Realization of my actions just struck me. I have Natsuki and I live for her, why did I want to throw all of it away? I never took the time to notice how my wish of not feeling pain has turned into a suicidal thing. Maybe I just wanted something of my own? Maybe I just wanted a solid reason to stay – someone to scream "stop" or "I need you". Well, not someone, only her. I am so selfish, I'm pinning all of this weight and my life on her and she doesn't even know it, she's guilty with whatever happens to me because I make her guilty from the start. How could I do this to her? I love her. I guess this is the reason, I love her too much to care about anything else.

I take a deep breath and stand up. I go to the bathroom that is connected to my room, I wash my face with cold water and I stare at the mirror self. _You look terrible_ they say. No, please, not again. _You're in a hospital, you hate hospitals. Do you remember why you're here?_ And I just thought that I got better. _You could have lost her_. Shut up, she was never mine from the start. _You have no feelings… _I know what they are trying to do, the voices in my head. Remember Shizuru, never trust in your own thoughts and these voices. Rebel because this is the only way. And I do. I start crying, not just crying, I'm pouring out all of these negative emotions of mine, I'm cleansing myself.

"Is this me feeling enough for you?" I say angrily and look at my reflection in the dirty mirror.

And instantly, they shut up. And go away for a while.


	22. Chapter 22

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while but I had a lot of stuff going on. Now I'm back :)  
This story is almost finished, there will only be a few more chapters, I guess there will be two or three more chapters. Thank you for your patience.

Natsuki's POV:

I have no idea what I'm doing but oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, she promised to explain all of this to me. Will she explain it? Will everything become clearer then? I want to hear Shizuru's version of our story, I can't always be so narrow-minded and one-sided, I need her explanation, no excuses, I need to listen, I need to learn just how to listen. I need to be patient; it was a long and a difficult road for the both of us. We need to get through just a little more. Tolerance, Natsuki, tolerance. The main question – what is happening between the two of us? Alright, honestly, that's not the main question. The thing is, I already know the answer; I just don't know the outcome and this scares the hell out of me. I should be scared, right? Isn't this the thing that everyone's really afraid of? Not knowing? We have to stop falling apart or else this won't ever end, there will only be more and more complications surrounding our story and we will never find an end to it, there will never be an ending.

I think that Shizuru knows the answer to what is happening between the two of us too, I know that she knows, today I finally understood that she knew it even before our suicidal tendencies got the best of us; maybe she even knows the outcome of this story. I hope that she does know. That's why I need her, I need her to tell me that everything will be ok and we will get through this. Maybe we already did… As I slowly and lethargically walk out of the hospital, it starts raining. God, it's raining again. I guess the weather likes reminding me how much I hate the rain. A few drops land on my lips and I close my eyes painfully, I smell the rain in the air, the wind kisses my hair lightly. Wait, the kiss. I almost forgot it, how strange - I really kissed her, haven't I? I touch my lips with trembling and wet fingers, I try to remember the sensation, the feeling I got when this has happened. Did it really happen or was it a dream? As I touch my lips, I begin to smile like an idiot. It was real; it happened in this reality, it happened here, not in another dimension, not in my head. It was real and it was absolutely fantastic. Some people say that you see fireworks in your head; some say that you feel butterflies in your stomach. It wasn't like that, it was so much more, it was so much more powerful. The kiss was as if a lightning struck me and I felt electricity run down my body on repeat, fireworks all around me and I felt lost in all the pretty colors, shapes and sizes, butterflies dancing around and I felt so light-weighted and graceful, a strong earthquake and I felt shaken from the tips of my toes to my eyelashes, falling stars in the sky and I felt as if it was the end of the world and I didn't want anything or anyone, just her because it was so breathtakingly beautiful, she was breathtakingly beautiful. I honestly can't describe it properly; I'm still in shock that I kissed her but well, it seemed like the most natural thing to do at that moment. But you know, I feel terrified, really scared because now I want to kiss her every day for the rest of my life. I am now addicted to Shizuru's kisses. I want to kiss her like there's no tomorrow and nothing else matters. And I'm right, none of it matters, just the two of us. Why haven't I thought about it earlier? Shizuru, you knew this simple truth yet I always denied it and grabbed onto other things as if they mattered more. I shattered your belief in this truth and you started thinking that maybe you are wrong and I am right. I broke you and I am sorry. I'm stupid, I really am. You always were so much smarter than me, always understanding things and feelings so fast I couldn't keep up with you. My stupidity was the reason we fell, or at least it was one of the reasons. Why did I …ah, my head hurts, I am overthinking again but at least this time it is useful, I finally understand some very important things. I only can't believe how long it took me to understand all of this.

Oh boy, I need a cigarette. I slap my pockets and smile when I find a crushed pack of cigarettes in my jacket's pocket. Awesome, one cigarette left, I guess I really need to quit smoking. But not now, maybe when all of this will be over. Because this is how I cope, I try my best to cope with everything I've got but I just can't. I am so weak, it hurts sometimes. I carefully take out the cigarette and try to light it with my still trembling and shaking hands. As smoke fills my lungs I start thinking about my motorcycle and where did I park it. I walk around the parking lot slowly, trying to concentrate on the cigarette and smoking. Finally, I found it. I throw the remains of my cigarette into a trash bin and get on the motorcycle; I put on the helmet. Shizuru, I know what I need to say and do and I hope that we can sort things out. I hope that we know what we're doing.

Tomorrow is a different day.


	23. Chapter 23

Shizuru's POV:

Finally, I can get out of this hospital. I don't know how but I managed to persuade the doctor that I'm fine and I will feel better at home, I just maybe need some medication to help me. I look out the window. It's getting dark early now, the sun is already setting and the room is filled with the colors of the sunset. I feel the warm wind caressing my face and hair. I grab my bag from the bed and walk out of my hospital's room not even looking back. I hope I won't return here. I don't like hospitals but I am grateful that whatever I do, they try to keep me and my loved one's alive. The feeling of respect. For a moment, I feel like I can breathe again

I grab my phone from my pocket and call for a cab and after a few minutes it slowly, without a sound drives into the hospital's parking lot. It's so quiet here that for a moment I think that I went totally deaf. Everything around me is so surreal, like all of the things are wrapped in some kind of mist or fog sheet. This or the street lamps are really dim. Or maybe my vision is a blur because of all the medication they gave me. That would at least explain why my head feels so heavy even though my mind feels like a blank page with no thoughts whatsoever. The driver stepped out of the car, walked around it and opened up the door for me. And he did all of this smiling widely. While he was holding the cab's door for me, I stared into him and his teeth seemed so unbelievably white that my eyes began to hurt and I had to close them for a bit. After a few moments I walked up to him, took his hand and with some help I tried to sit down as gracefully as I can. I sat in the backseat and just gazed through the window. All of the sounds seemed to be muted again and I thought there's something clearly wrong with my hearing. Or my head.

- Do you feel alright? You look very pale, - he asked.

- Yes, thank you for asking. I feel fine, just a little bit dizzy, - I answered sleepily. – You know, the medication they give you here is pretty strong.

- Good, I'm glad that you are alright. So, where should I take you, miss? – The driver sounded honestly relieved.

I tell him the address and lean my heavy head back, I look through the window. It's so dark out there now, I can barely see anything, only silhouettes and lights of the tall buildings. The driver turns on the radio just at the right moment and starts diving into the streets of the cold city. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on what song is playing on the radio. I automatically relax when I hear the first words because I am in love with this song.

_What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive_

_I can't keep up and I can't back down, I've been losing so much time_

Everything we need is right in front of us, why are we so afraid to take it? Especially you, Natsuki. You seem so brave and ruthless on the outside until I look straight into your green eyes. And the thing I see in them is absolute fear and maybe, maybe just a hint of madness. Why don't you want to believe that sometimes things are just as easy as they seem? I inhale sharply and then I sigh a bit. I feel the driver turn his head to me and I try my best not to start laughing randomly but manage to contain myself. I open my eyes and look out the window. The window is covered with steam and when I look more closely I notice that it's raining outside. Again. It is raining non-stop almost for about a week now and it feels as if the entire city is weighed down by the sadness that the rain causes. I see no people outside, only neon lights that seem so fake to me, my eyes begin to hurt once again, so I close them.

_'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove_

_And it's you and me and all other people and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you_

I get the feeling that we are almost here, just a few more blocks and I'll be there where I'm supposed to be. I start feeling weird, I even freak out a bit but then I get a grip on myself. Whatever happens, I have to keep strong and not fall apart. It's funny how I deceive myself right now, it's because I already know how this will end, I just can't believe it. The conclusion of our story is right around the corner. I feel the cab stopping slowly.

- Miss, we are almost here, - I hear the driver say as we stop near the apartment building. – It's a nice building; do you own an apartment here?

- No, I don't live here, - I answer simply. I smile because it must seem absurd to him.

- Shouldn't you go home after leaving the hospital? – He asks concerned when I hand him the money and tell him to keep the change.

- But I am home, - I smile and get out of the car. I hear the last part of the song.

_What day is it? And in what month?_

_This clock never seemed so alive…_


	24. Chapter 24

This chapter was really difficult to write but I hope you like it. I am absolutely no good with intimate scenes so forgive me :/ There will be only be one more chapter for this story

Shizuru's POV:

My feelings are a mess. A minute ago I felt so calm and now I feel so freaking nervous. As if my life depends on what is about to happen. And yes, I'm right, it does. This is the breaking point and I feel uncertain. It will be fine, right? It should be fine. Alright, this is it; I have to embrace anything that will happen and don't look back. That's the deal. I knock on the door and Natsuki opens it after a few seconds. We don't say a word to each other; I just come in and go straight to her couch. I sit down and take a deep breath, she sits down beside me.

- I know what I need to say and I know what you want to hear. But these are two absolutely different things so I will just say what I want to say to you, - I turned to her. – Yes, Natsuki, I know that I hurt myself and I hurt you by doing that. I think it was my subconscious revenge for you not caring enough. Or so I thought. It just seemed to me that you became distant after the Carnival and I always thought that it was because of all the feelings I had for you. But I was wrong, weren't I?

- Yes, you were wrong, - she whispers staring into her hands on her knees. – I became distant because of all the feelings I had for YOU. I couldn't understand any of them, I couldn't understand myself, I was in denial and I thought that if we'd talk I will say something and lose you forever. That's why I decided to become distant though it wasn't the best idea.

- You should have told me! You have no idea how much I suffered! I thought our friendship was done, I thought we were done; I thought that you hated me… - I look away. This is hard but nobody said it was easy. – Natsuki, I thought that I have nothing to live for because of how you made me feel. So I became self-destructive, either for you to notice me and my state or just for me to really destroy myself like that. Everything was terrible, I felt terrible-

- And then your self-destructive behavior infected me, - Natsuki interrupted me and looked right into my eyes. – I picked it up from you and when I did, I really hated you for that. That you poisoned me with this strangely strong self-hatred. It wasn't pretty.

- We felt like a coin, two sides and there was a solid metal wall in-between us. I hated everything when I saw that you started to behave self-destructively too. I wanted to comfort you but I couldn't because of all the thoughts I had, you hating me and I thought I would piss you off even more.

- I think you would have, - Natsuki said honestly. – I think I was ready to tear everything apart, even you.

- I'm sorry I caused this. I'm sorry that I was the first one who fell. And I dragged you down with me. I'm really sorry; I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted us to hate each other so much because we hated each other. At some point, - I stood up and took a couple of steps towards the door. - I hope that you can forgive me. I really hope we can get back to normal one day.

- Well, we can't, - Natsuki said sadly.

- I understand. I think it's time for me to go, - I say clearly and can hear her heart breaking apart in her chest even standing a couple of feet away from her.

It's so easy reading her, her face automatically displays any emotion she is feeling. Sometimes it feels like you're watching a movie about all of the possible human emotions. Now it's just desperation and sadness written all over her face. Who knew that this would turn out this way? I assumed that we could start again because continuity is not a choice here, we would only fall into a dysfunctional cycle again. Maybe we are not meant to be after all… The weirdest thing is that even though I have nowhere to go, I said those words. Obviously, there's something wrong with me. I turn around and walk slowly towards the door, only getting to see a glimpse of Natsuki. It looks like she is frozen in one place and can't move, like she wants to say something but no words can escape her mouth. I sigh and as I grab the door handle, I feel something warm pressing into my back, Natsuki's hands circling my waist and pulling me closer to her, her chest pushed against my back. She presses her forehead somewhere in between my shoulder-blades. Her hands tightly rest on my waist. We just stand there for a couple of minutes, neither of us moving, you can even say that the both of us have stopped breathing. She clears her throat.

- Stay, - she whispers so quietly that I can barely hear it. – You're home…

She loosens her grip on my waist and I instinctively turn around in her arms. Her head is still lowered and I can't see her eyes. Natsuki wraps her arms around me and puts her head on my chest. All the tension goes away in seconds. Suddenly, I know what I have to do and I feel that everything will be alright. I back away from Natsuki a bit and then I lift her chin and look straight into her emerald eyes.

- I love you, - I say while looking into her eyes and smiling. – Nothing will ever change that.

My hands find a way to her waist and most importantly, my lips find a way to hers. This kiss seals the past and is a door to a new beginning.

We've made it.

Natsuki's POV:

Shizuru, any other day I would have let you leave. But not today. Today is the most important day of our lives. Today we are reborn again; today we start everything from scratch knowing everything we need to know. And the most important thing is that there won't be any more secrets. We love each other; we'll build a new world around our love.

- I need you, - I say. I have never done this but I know that I want it.

- Take me, - she whispers and kisses my lips again.

She then lets me go and goes to my bedroom. The right time is now. How do I know? I have never felt desire as strong as I do now. Now I finally understand what people feel when they talk about "desire". I follow Shizuru into my bedroom and watch as she simply lies down on my bed. I lay down right next to her and close my eyes. I feel the heat of 100 suns radiating from her body. I know she is smiling and automatically my lips curve into a smile too. When I open my eyes, I can't stop staring into hers. Beautiful crimson orbs that see everything. My lungs struggle for air and I swallow hard. She sits up and starts to giggle. And I understand that I missed her more than words could ever say. I missed her like this, being happy, being with me. I sit up too, she stops giggling, her head then tilts towards me. This time it is me who leans in for a kiss. I lie down and she straddles my hips. We don't say anything, we communicate with our mouths closed and our minds open. She starts kissing my neck and I feel as if electricity is running down my body, the feeling is ecstatic. One of her hands tangle in my blue locks as her other hands cups my cheek. She leans in to kiss me softly, her tongue grazing my bottom lip and I open my mouth to let her tongue slide in. Our tongues slowly dance around in our mouths. My hands reach the hem of her shirt and as I do that, I flip us over so that now I'm straddling her. She looks so beautiful, her chestnut hair disheveled on my pillow, eyes lovingly staring into mine. She's breathing heavily, just like me. Then Shizuru takes her hand and traces my lips. I can't take it anymore, I start unbuttoning her shirt as I stare hungrily at the skin revealed. It's like unwrapping a Christmas present. One of my legs go in between of hers, my thigh presses against her core and she arches her back. I slowly take the shirt off of her and just stare into her chest which is covered in a black bra. Then I look into her eyes and see just how much she needs me too, she needs my body pressed to her. She then reaches for the hem of my shirt and begins to pull it off. Everything suddenly starts going in slow motion. Her hand is sliding down my chest. I want her, I never wanted anything else so badly. She pushes herself up on her elbows and I lean in to kiss her. I embrace her waist into my body as she slides off the bra strap from my shoulder. Her touches leave a trail of fire. I begin placing small kisses down her neck and shoulders as her body conjures goosebumps. She's now on top of me and I hungrily discard her of the remaining clothing. She does the same and now we are both naked – our bodies and our minds. I pull her into my body. Her lips kiss every inch of my body continuously and her hand glides down, then warm fingers slip inside me. I think that my pupils dilate in pleasure as she begins thrusting gently and kissing, biting my neck lightly. Warm breath then tickles my ear while her other hand roams around all inches of my skin. Sweat covers my forehead and my nails scratch her back. She kisses my chest and my stomach clenches, I feel an electrifying pleasure building up in my toes, going to the tip of my eyelashes as my back arches and I reach the edge and fall apart. Shizuru is smiling and lazily kisses my forehead, her eyes shining. She then rests her head on my chest as I embrace her.

- I love you too,- I whisper into her chestnut locks, so quietly I can barely hear it myself.

- I know, - Shizuru says simply kissing my collarbone.

We fall fast asleep, forgetting all the bad that has happened. There's no need to dwell on that, we need to move forward. We don't need to worry anymore. We don't need to be afraid anymore. Today we learned not to hide, we learned to accept no matter what, no matter how much it hurt. I guess these will be the basics of our new relationship. There is hope.


	25. Chapter 25

**This is the last chapter of my story. It took a long time to write this but I am proud of this story, you can really see my progress as a writer while reading it. Thank you everyone who took the time to read it and pushed me, gave me motivation to go on :) I feel sad as much as I feel happy but I guess it's the feeling you get after finishing a story.**

**Natsuki's POV:**

I don't know how much time has passed since that day - the day when Shizuru and I accepted each other. Sometimes it feels like months and sometimes it feels like only a few minutes have passed. I'd say it was about a week ago. We fell apart but got back up again. I feel grateful that we did, I don't even want to imagine what could have happened if we didn't. Someone would take that last step we took so many times but just put more thought into it. We'd never be able to say proper goodbyes; words would only be muttered to a lifeless body laying in front us. We'd never have a piece of mind and happiness would always evade and ignore us. These thoughts make me shiver.

- Natsuki, are you alright? You look stressed, - I heard.

The two of us were having breakfast in my little cozy kitchen. Shizuru was drinking green tea and reading a newspaper. I was drinking strong black coffee and eating a mayo and ham sandwich (did I mention mayo?).

- I'm fine, just a little distracted, - I said while taking a sip of the now cold coffee. I don't even feel the taste of it.

- Are you sure? You look rather pale and you haven't finished your sandwich, - Shizuru said, worry evident in her voice.

- I… I was just thinking what would it be like if we never… - I trail of.

Shizuru looks right into my eyes. Suddenly, she stands up from her seat across the table and walks over to me. I don't even have the time to react when she pulls my shoulders into a tight hug. I just put my head on her chest and then tightly hug her waist. This lasts for a couple of moments. I hear her heartbeat and it's the most relaxing sound ever.

- Don't think about that, - says Shizuru softly. She's now caressing my cheek with her hand. – I don't want to think about a world without you, I need you.

I smile upon hearing those words, they mean so much to me, they reassure me. I don't want to think about sad things but I can't always control my thoughts. Shizuru always seems to notice when my thoughts take a melancholic turn and is always there to comfort me. She can feel the slightest changes in my mood. Sometimes a hug would be enough to wash away my sadness, sometimes melancholy lasts for days but she never abandons me. Shizuru would just hold me tighter on those days.

- I am grateful that I have you in my life, - I say and kiss her collarbone.

- I know, - she says simply and leans down a bit to kiss the top of my head.

We finish our breakfast and I feel better after talking with her. She may have said only a couple of words but nevertheless, I feel lighter, happier. I'm glad that we comfort each other so easily, even the silence is comforting and isn't weighing us down. Our bond is special and unique – not only because we love each other, it's because it's US, I could never find a person like her and I hope there's no person like me on this planet either.

We spend the afternoon in the living room, Shizuru is reading a book and I'm checking out a stack of magazines about motorcycles. We're in different ends of the couch but still the atmosphere feels intimate. I sigh and turn my head to her. Shizuru is so into the book that she doesn't even notice me watching her. She looks so composed but the crimson eyes are ever so warm. Her slim and long fingers turn the pale pages and I stare into her bare shoulders, they look so inviting. She's only dressed in a black tank top and red pajamas pants but still looks breath-taking. It's always like this - everything she wears looks so good on her. Of course I don't mind when she doesn't wear anything, her body's curves are spectacular on their own. And let's not forget the smoothness of her skin…

- What are you smiling about? – I hear her ask and really, I feel like I've been grinning like an idiot for a while now. Then my cheeks flush a little, god damn it, my body always betrays me.

- I've just been thinking how gorgeous you are, - I see her blush a little. – Really, you're so beautiful.

Shizuru laughs a bit, then slips a leather bookmark into the book and puts it her knees.

- Really, Natsuki? – she smiles. – My hair is disheveled and I'm still in my pajamas.

- So what? I still think you look amazing, - I say and put down the magazine I've been holding. I feel the cold cover touch my leg as I'm wearing my sleeping shorts.

- You have weird priorities, I look like I just got out of the bed, - she says.

- Yes, but I know with whom you've been sharing that bed and I don't mind how you look because you always look good no matter what.

She smiles as she looks into my eyes. She puts away the book she's been reading down on the floor and motions to her legs, I then scoot closer to her and then slowly put my head on her thighs. Shizuru leans in to kiss the tip of my nose and her chestnut hair falls and acts like a curtain to us. I reach out and start curling strands of her hair on my fingers. She just sighs and puts her hand on the armchair, another one on my stomach. I play with her hair for a few seconds but then decide to focus on her features. They have softened, she doesn't have that cold look in her eyes anymore, her lips are no longer in a tight angry line, she looks so much calmer now. Suddenly, not really understanding what I'm doing, I lean in to kiss her. Her lips are so soft it drives me crazy. Shizuru plays a bit with the hem of my shirt and then she slides her hand under it. She puts her hand just under my bra and I inhale sharply.

- Oh my god, your hands are freezing, what the hell? – I start shouting.

Shizuru then smirks and playfully puts her other hand on the small of my back and under the shirt. I squeal and she smiles playfully. We then battle on the couch and only when I straddle her hips and pin her icy hands above her head, I finally start to breathe normally – I won. Shizuru doesn't seem to mind, she's just laughing at me. I let go of her hands and they immediately find my waist. I look at her and appreciate that she's here with me, with ME. It's been a while since I felt so happy and relaxed.

- Natsuki? – she asks softly.

- I love you, - I state simply and lean in to kiss her soft lips once again.

**Shizuru's POV:**

Sometimes I think about it too. Then I take longer showers, linger on the pages of a book for too long, sip my tea slower. I'm glad that Natsuki doesn't seem to notice, she gets so stressed from her own thoughts, I really wouldn't want her to get even more stressed from mine too. I usually just hold her close, whisper soft words into her ear. I should never let her think that she is not loved hard enough, not even for a second. After I have moved in into her apartment, I always thought that it will be me who'll be haunted by all of these mad thoughts but I was wrong. Natsuki was the one who fell prey to it and really, can I blame her? She'd randomly start shaking, a single tear escaping its way out of her emerald eyes and landing upon her pale cheeks. And then she's calling for me, embracing me and not letting go for hours. I do not protest, she needs me as much as I need her and I don't want her to think otherwise.

We silently made a pact to not give up no matter how hard it will get (because life's hard, you never know what's coming) and to never hurt each other again (not intentionally at least). I think we've had enough of angst and hurt for one lifetime. Natsuki now smiles more than she used to and it alone makes me happy, but when she's having these bad thoughts, I can't help to hurt too. And even though Natsuki would say that this isn't fair and I'm hiding my emotions, for now it's only what to survive. Until we get stronger, until we get braver. She needs to regain her balance and besides, I'm a master when it comes to hiding my emotions. Now I need to be the strong one and I don't mind to comply, I'd do anything for my Natsuki.

After our battle on the couch in the living room, Natsuki and I had a delicious yet simple lunch. I kept making fun of her – her element was ice and yet she's terrified of my cold hands. She kept putting and saying that I'm mean and she'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. I then pretended to apologize but she was ruthless, she was laughing and repeating that it serves me right. The day passed by with a speed of a blink and really, all days were like this. But we didn't care as long as we could spend them together in Natsuki's small apartment. We have been wearing our pajamas all day but that never bothered us.

We were both lying in the bed, she was watching some TV show and I was sucked into the story of a book I was reading. The day drew closer to its end and when it was time for us to go to sleep, Natsuki took a pillow from under her head, turned off the TV and got up from the bed. She took a couple of steps forward and was now lingering in the doorway.

- What are you doing? – I put down the book on the nightstand and looker at her.

- You thought I was joking when I said I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight? – she asked seriously and somehow coldly

- But Natsuki, I was merely joking, - I say as my eyes grow wider.

- You're such a meanie, I almost forgot it, - she said silently.

Natsuki came up to me while still clutching a pillow to her chest. She murmured "goodnight" and then leant down to give me a kiss, her lips lingering on mine. She then turned around and was about to leave the bedroom but I carefully grabbed her wrist.

- Stay, please, - I begged her.

Here I was thinking about how we won't hurt each other from now on but I inadvertently hurt Natsuki's feelings earlier. I didn't mean to but I still felt guilty. She froze in her place though she had her back turned to me. She stood like that for about a minute and then I noticed that her shoulders started shaking though she didn't let out a sound.

- Natsuki, are you crying? – I was shocked and hated myself.

She slowly turned around, tears in her eyes. She looked so lost… Natsuki then sat down on the side of the bed.

- I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I… - I said while pulling her figure into me, my voice shaking.

Natsuki put her cheek against my chest and my tank top instantly became wet from her tears. She put both of her hands around my neck and embraced her slim waist tightly.

- I never meant to hurt you, - I whisper into her blue locks.

- No, Shizuru, it's not… it's not that, - I heard.

I pulled back a little so I could see her face, I pushed aside a strand of her hair that got glued to her wet cheek. This view – her puffy and slightly red eyes, wet cheeks and shaking lips was so heart-breaking, for a while I thought that I'm going to break down in tears too.

- It's not your fault. It is I who was mean, - she said still sobbing. – I thought, what it would be like if I hurt you, would you walk away? I didn't want to sleep on the couch but I have already said that while being hot-headed and I couldn't take it back.

I wiped the tears from her beautiful face and looked into her eyes.

- I don't really understand, - I say honestly.

- I got so scared, I thought that you'll get mad and leave because I was mean to you. In a way I wanted to hurt you and see what you would do but then I got terrified. What would I do if you'd really leave me? It was so painful only thinking about it, I'm so sorry, - Natsuki cried out and buried her face into my chest again. – Please, don't ever leave me, I can't breathe without you.

After hearing what she had just said, my lips formed into a gentle smile. Natsuki, you idiot. I slowly reach out and turn of the lamp that was on the nightstand and it was the only source of light in the room. The bedroom fell into darkness in a matter of seconds. Then slowly, still holding Natsuki in my arms, I leaned down on my back until my head hit the pillow. Neither of us moved, it was just the bed and us, tangled in the limbs and white sheets.

- Natsuki, I'm never letting you go and I'm never leaving you, - I started. – You are everything I fought for and I won't give up or walk away so easily.

She leaned back a bit and let go of my neck, then she propped herself up on her elbows and stared into me.

- Really? – she asked, her voice slightly breaking.

- Really, never doubt it.

Natsuki leant in and kissed my dry lips. I closed my eyes and reciprocated the kiss, trying to put all of my feelings into it. Natsuki traced down my bottom lip with her tongue and I opened my mouth to let it in. I don't know for how long did we kiss but when we stopped, Natsuki put down her head on my shoulder and shifted slightly so it would be more comfortable for us to sleep. I kissed her forehead and Natsuki soon fell fast asleep.

So that's why she's always so stressed, she's afraid that I can leave any minute. But that's nonsense, I could never do that, I love her too much to walk out, I've been through too much to leave. She literally is my and I want to live, I want to love. I know it will take us a while to get where we want to be and sometimes it will be difficult to do so but we will get there, we will get there no matter what. We have each other, we sacrificed too much and the wounds haven't healed yet but we will get through. On tough days we'll whisper "just live through today, breathe, take small but firm steps and go forward" and if we'll need it, we'll repeat these words to each other again tomorrow. Because we are no longer lonely, no longer angry and misunderstood, no longer afraid and hurt. We are no longer loveless.


End file.
